Today, you're about to leave for school and came to me to bless ... 'not sure if it's to your own will or again, just because your dad told you so.
at the middle of a task, i hesitated giving you my hand because i feel too pained with all of your "disrespects" to me.
I've already had a lot from you almost the whole of 2015 and i feel so sad that afterall the reaching outs that i did to you, after all the "forgiveness" i've accorded to you even if you didn't sincerely asked for, you were never able to rule over your negative thoughts at the start of 2016 ...
You've already had a lot of sister-fights because of wearing and taking over something which is not yours -- but when i called your attention upon seeing you again wearing your sister's dress, Surprisingly i just reacted: "oh, bakit mo suot yan?" ... i didn't even shout at you nor did i tell anything bad but you reacted negatively saying "bakit, masama?" And so i went on saying "galing na tayo dyan, wag na natin uling gawin kasi alam na natin ang kasunod..." A humble heart should have just said:"okey po mommy, hindi na po." ... but instead you said "oo na!"
Just because you didn't want to get corrected from your mistake, -- there you go saying there was something wrong with my reaction! AS ALWAYS, THERE YOU GO WITH YOUR DIVERSION TACTICS -- just to COVER-UP, you'll keep on ANSWERING BACK DISRESPECTFULLY because you've diverted the issue, NO LONGER to what you've triggered at.
You can't imagine how much you're hurting your mother for ANSWERING BACK after diverting. I never did hurt you physically just to impose on my being a mother to you.
Malaki ka na para paluin pa kita sa tuwing sumasagot ka. Hindi kita kayang saktan pero i had to say things THAT YOU NEED TO REALIZE. Tama naman ang Dad mo, hindi kita dapat binibigyan ng pagkakataong sagutin ako. Dapat nga siguro sinasampal kita tuwing ginagawa mo yon, at tama nga na dapat ini-impose ko sayo na WAG KANG SASAGOT DAHIL MAGULANG MO AKO ... pero mali ako dahil hindi ko nagagawa yon; DAHIL WHAT RULES OVER ME IS TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO REALIZE AT SUCH MOMENT.
Habang hindi kita kayang saktan, YOUR PRIDE AGAINST ME AS YOUR MOTHER has already created a path ...
me, away from you! Pero dahil i don't want to give up on you being your mother, nandito pa din ako, HOPING TO BE RESPECTED and my concerns, NOT MISINTERPRETED!
PAKIUSAP: DON'T GAZE YOUR EYES ON ME EACH TIME, JUST TO SEE MY MISTAKES & ANNOUNCE IT TO YOUR DAD as if i am one of your competitors! There are things na kahit kulang or kahit wala, or kahit di ko masyadong achieve, i'll just need to breathe & slow down, keep it to myself & internally process deep within until i'm ok again; ang tawag don "sacrifice" -- pero kahit don sa mga moments na 'yon, you don't pay me due respect; kung sitahin mo ako, parang ka-level mo lang ako. ENOUGH!
I cannot give you all of your demands which in the long run 'wont actually help you; neither all the material things that you need. I would NO LONGER STRIVE TO PLEASE YOU just to ease your comparisons over your other siblings. I also won't tolerate your lavish unwise use of time! PURE LOVE -- YON LANG ANG KAYA KONG IBIGAY!
ONE DAY, the path that you have created will be a road kasi 'yon yong lagi mong dinadaanan kahit di naman 'yon yong totoong daan. The mess that you create in your room each day is also a reflection that you never mind any of your mom's intention to TRAIN YOU TO HOW YOU SHOULD BE: AN ORGANIZED ARCHITECT IN THE MAKING.
SORRY, I AM NOT A PERFECT MOTHER, I HAVE A LOT OF MISTAKES SA PANINGIN MO! This is just me, no longer confident to voice out to you my being "a mom" BECAUSE EACH TIME, I AM WRONG! SORRY FOR THAT!
